THIS & THAT

When I retired from the military, I was too lazy to work and to nervous to steal; so, not knowing what else to do, I decided to go to college, earn a teaching certificate, and teach handicapped children. After twenty years in the Air Force, I thought I would feel more comfortable with these kind of people than with anyone else. As graduation neared, I dressed up in my ten-year-old suit, got into my fifteen-year-old car, and drove to a nearby school and applied for a job. Other than my expressionless face, bushy eye brows, and wide-apart eyes I do not know what I did right, but I did get the job with the understanding I would graduate and provide them with a legitimate teaching certificate.

Six months later, I was ready to set teaching on fire. I had underwear older than most of my colleagues, so I thought I had the world by the tail on a downhill drag. I would show them and all those youngsters how teaching was supposed to be done. The first day on the job, I went to the school early to make final preparations, but the building was empty. The door was unlocked, but the few flourescent lights in the hallway gave everything an eerie look. I did not know what to do or where to go, but I did find an unlocked, empty room. I walked in, sat down, opened my briefcase, and began playing with my executive toys and brown bag lunch. Suddenly, the door opened. I looked up and saw a rather large woman standing in front of me silhouetted by the hallway lights. Without so much as a "Welcome" she stared at me for a few moments before asking,

"Are you new here this year?"

I told her I was and that I was waiting for the staff to arrive. Without seeming to either hear or understand what I said, she asked,

"Are you nervous?"

The question seem irrelevant, but I told her after a year in Vietnam I thought I could stand anything, but I did not think I was nervous.

"Well,"she replied, "I was wondering why you are sitting in the women's restroom eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich."

from Wit & Wisdom