Funny Quotes

I got some bad news today. You know the money you get from those ATM machines? It comes from *your* account!
Sharon Grubb
I don't care how much you and your cat love each other, if you were one inch smaller than the sweet little kitty, he'd eat you in a heartbeat. Tom Gard
I'm really glad the guy who invented the Ray Gun was named Ray. Being shot with a Fred gun just wouldn't sound as cool.
Bob Neanover
If you sat a million monkeys down at a million computers, they might just fix this Y2K problem...oh wait, we're already doing that.
Darrell Hulshult
I think that someone must have surveillance equipment set up in my living
room, because every once in a while, someone on the TV will tell me what channel I'm watching. That really freaks me out, you know?
Pam Stewart
My doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria. He prescribed a strong placebo, but I don't think it's working.
Fred Marcum
I'd always wondered what it would be like to live on the sun, until my mother-in-law suggested that pressing my face against a hot frying pan might give me an idea. Trust me, you *don't* want to move there.
Ted Moran
I think a really funny joke would be for NASA to send up rockets and push a bunch of planets out of alignment. Then they could sit back and laugh when everyone realizes that their horoscopes aren't coming true. Eric Presbrey
Why are aliens always portrayed as evil in movies? How do we know that there isn't an alien out there just waiting to share the recipe for "The Universe's Best Waffle Mix?"
Kevin Peck
Light sabers don't kill people. Jedis kill people.
Jim Clark
I'll bet the first convenience stores were nothing more than caves where you could buy sticks and rocks and microwave burritos.
Art Bugsch
Word to the Empire: The Death Star is impressive, but just be sure your
maps are current.
Mike Weinhold
When I hear on the news about someone being killed "execution style," it makes me wonder what other styles there are.
Steve Fleming
If I could have time in a bottle, I'd make it a glass bottle. That way, I could see the dinosaurs.
Dick Bowden
If I had to choose one incident that sparked my love, study, and eventual career in astronomy, it would be the first time I saw a picture of that planet--you know, the one with those neat space-rings around it.
Steve Patt
They say if you build a better mouse trap, the world will beat down your door. But usually, it's just one neighbor, and he'll probably quit once you stop throwing dead mice in his yard.
Don Giuliano

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